Posted by: bandaidchild | May 17, 2010

Blanket Yourself.

A few weeks ago, I attended a leadership conference at my Church. While I was quite possibly the youngest person there, as well as probably one of the only unemployed individuals (this was a leadership conference for business folk. Ooops.), I sat secluded and learned a lot from great people.

This was something I really loved. Jim Goodnight (what a name!), who’s an incredibly wealthy business owner said this about influence,

Surround yourself with people who are. . .

1. smarter than you.

2. optimistic.

3. realistic.

4. see around corners you can’t yet-forsight, experience.

5. older.

6. younger.

7. exude contagious character.

8. look different than you.

9. have seen different parts of the world than you have.

While it bothered me that this very (adorable) old man only have nine thoughts instead of ten, I thought about how many of those I’ve managed to immerse myself around.

The other zinger he said was this: “Develop the mindset of agility.”

I see a therapist weekly. Her name is Kathy, and she’s lovely. She lets me see around corners I can’t yet see around, and she’s definitely smarter than me. Well today we talked about the dichotomy in me that tolerates self abuse, but has an innate tendency to show kindness to others.

In other less confusing words, I beat myself up, but am nice to other people.

And so this created, a long time ago, a sad history of self-destructive behavior, of which I teeter between wanting to change and being annoying apathetic towards.

The other day I was driving to Kansas, and I went the wrong way for a while. Once I finally got going the right way, I began to berate myself for something very common. I was in Nowhere Kansas, and simply got turned around.

I haven’t developed the mindset of agility yet.

My brain appears to be very similar to a young child who doesn’t understand why the world doesn’t work in a linear fashion. Or that it’s okay to color outside the lines.

I had two assignments today from therapy:

1. Ponder, mull, stew, and chew on why it’s acceptable to treat myself with such disrespect, and why I cannot place myself on the same plain as every other human being.

2. Why “dreaming” is so scary for me. Why borders are such a comfort to me that I refuse to even peek over the top of the wall. Because part of me is dying to see what’s out there, but I’m so afraid of even dreaming, thinking about things I don’t deem pragmatic.

Now, for an awkward pre-teen story.

See, there was this one time, that I was kind of a liar. I’d heard this “Creed” song about a baby from my brother, David, and I hadn’t heard it on the radio yet, so I figured I’d simply steal the lyrics and claim them as my own. I used to write songs all the time in a little red notebook and show them to my friend Stephanie. I showed her this fine song I’d written, and she was extremely impressed by my use of the English language. (I pat myself on the back with that one)

Well, that was probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.

Because it started to become popular on KISS 102.5, and then I was caught.

One day Stephanie leaned against the pale blue lockers and told me she heard this song that used, pretty much exactly, the lyrics I’d written in my little red notebook.

I think I blurted out some real clever quip about discovering this also, and how they must have stolen my lyrics…. because, she was correct, they were unmistakeably the same. . .


And then this one time I got real sick at school and didn’t quite make it to the bathroom- I was literally seven feet away from the door and I managed to vomit everywhere.

But amazingly, I felt better, so I just ran away stealthily and told no one.

Poor janitors.




  1. I am really glad that you had me read this. I hope that you actually follow through with that assignment (both in fact)…I pray someday you will see yourself the way the rest of us do…amazing, gifted, hillarious, beautiful and kind (just to throw a few of the adjectives one might use to describe you). Also…those last two awkward moments are great…anything is funny when vomit is involved…unless it gets on you and then it is disgusting.

  2. hm…. allow yourself to dream. That was an assignment I had once, too – smartest thing my counselor ever told me to do… praying for you, dearie. LOVE you!

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