Posted by: bandaidchild | May 25, 2010

Save Me From Myself.

Howdy, folks.

Sorry I’ve been out for so long. I don’t have internet right now, so I grab it when I can.

It’s blazing hot here in Southern Missouri. Enough for me to get the preteen awkward gumption to go buy a sprinkler, whip out a floral patterned swim suit, and frolic in the mist.

Too bad I have neighbors.

And I’m twenty four.

Dang.

These last few days have felt pretty tense. I’ve felt my emotions mounting; ranging from anxiety, to confusion, to anger, to desperation, to thinking things I shouldn’t about myself.

This raging river of hormones has caused me to be tempted to be impulsive several times, including last night.

You ever paint a picture of something you think is beautiful, only to have it ripped in two by someone who could see all you had drawn was a blob of gray and black?

The last twenty four hours have been sobering for me. I’ve been enlightened about a position I so desperately wanted, and was told I shouldn’t take.

Of course I haven’t (still) been offered the position, but I will decline if he ever decides to call.

This moment of enlightenment isn’t a lightbulb moment. This is more of a smack in the face. It makes you do a double take.

So, here I go back to square one.

Square one makes me feel like a failure. And I wanted to make a permenant reminder that I am a failure by marking on my arms.

I had every intention of going home last night and doing what I always do, berate myself and then take some action against myself.

But something happened.

I fell asleep.

I got too tired to be enraged at myself anymore, and I actually fell asleep before I could hurt myself.

And it made me so thankful that God saves us from ourselves sometimes.

It makes me think of the Old Testament’s stories about how the shepherd dealt with his wayward, often dumb, and stubborn sheep.

He’d break one of their legs.

I imagine he took his staff and pretended to hit a home-run using a tee-ball set Except he’d miss the ball and just wack the stand.

The sheep is no longer able to stray others away, nor is the furry animal going to be going anywhere on his own.

And so the shepherd heaves the little one on his shoulder. He feeds it, gives it drinks.

It all sounds pretty cruel at first; punishment for being curious, obstinate, stupid.

But God saves us from ourselves sometimes because we cannot see what we’re getting ourselves into. Sometimes we need to be wounded, incapacitated, struck down (but not destroyed), in order to remind ourselves that when we continually attempt to relinquish control, life never pans out the way we envision it will. And that sometimes the enemy makes us our own worst enemy, capable of doing things the Father never wanted us to do.

So while God didn’t break my leg, He did make me sleepy mcsleeperson so that becoming really mad at myself was far more exhausting.

Maybe this only makes sense to me, and this was a waste of your time reading. I’m not sure. Even so, I wanted to share my thankfulness for just ripping apart my defenses against myself, and doing it in a way that made me tame like a kitten.

Underoath wrote a song once with these lyrics that I have never forgotten, ” God save me, because I hate me.”

Remember in Psalm 23 David talks about the Lord making him lie down in green pastures, and still waters, and how God restores his soul?

I guess that’s what happened. He simply knocked me out in order to make me lie down, restore me.

Nothin’ like a good old punch in the face to keep me from myself.

-Becca

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Responses

  1. thanks for sharing this. i just listened to an awesome awesome sermon on psalm 23 yesterday, and it was really encouraging. i pray God continues to remind you of his strong personal love for you Becca!


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