Posted by: bandaidchild | September 7, 2010

“But This I Know With All My Heart. . . “

There are lots of songs that have this type of declarative statement in it. Currently I can only think of two. But I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt because I just got off work and my brain is a bit fuzzy like a peach.

I’ve decided to put this somewhere prominent in my house, so that I can look at it and not just hope to believe it. A few weeks ago I did my gutting. My bonfire. And I didn’t write about it, but that’s partly because I’m still processing through all of it. During this gutting session, I noticed, for perhaps the first time, how important it is to have an expectant, and active-tense heart when it comes to hard stuff like forgiving, and having faith.

For example.

Forgiveness, as most people know, isn’t saying, “hey buddy- no worries. I’ve practically forgotten the time you broke all of the bones in my foot when you dropped that log on it; oh husband… You cheating on me is but a mere memory, and one that I come to with such vagueness that the details escape me. . .” No no. It is not “forgive and forget”. it is the determination to use active–as opposed to passive–words in order to convey what you are WILLING and CHOOSING to do, despite what you want to do.

“I choose to forgive ___________ for _________. I choose not to hold this against them.”

That’s active alright. And boy is it hard!

So here’s what I’m gonna put somewhere in my house. It’s the lyrics to a song called How Deep The Father’s Love for Us.

“But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom.”

It’s not a matter of wanting to believe this, because I use that as an excuse, to imply that “someday” I’ll understand. It leaves little room for faith, and I am discovering that I need to mentally conclude that knowing and feeling are different. Either one can get in the way, but for me feeling certainly seems to get in the way. Or I mix them together and call it “rationality”.

If I just keep telling myself, “someday I will understand that it is not in my best interest, nor to the Glory of God that I sustain the idea that I am responsible for atoning for what I perceive as wrong-doing. Someday I will really get what God did on the cross. . . ” then it leaves room to take NO ACTION.

and I don’t want to be that kind of a person.

So I’m plastering those words in my house, as a mantra even, so that I get used to believing this. His wounds paid my ransom. My wounds do not. He weeps at my relinquishment of control, and the pain I put myself through, and the cyclical nature of sin that it inevitably entangles me in.

so, here’s to active word usage.

-Becca

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Responses

  1. ahhh, yes, verbs.

    Reading this post will make me a better songwriter and worship leader. I think I write in the “want to” sense. Not in the “it is” sense… I think I need to start owning my thoughts, declaring them. Making the words BE reality, not just be a wish for a different reality.

    And that line is one of my favorites. That whole stinking song is one of my favorites.

    I’m glad your “fuzzy like a peach” brain got through this.

  2. Mandy:
    isn’t tense such a powerful way to either declare or simply envoke “wishful thinking”?

    Thanks for commenting.
    And I’m sure glad my fuzzy peach-ness ended up making some sense.

  3. i like this a lot becca. you know why? because usually deciding to think something is the only way i can really FEEL it.
    i’ve never really thought of the comparison though. i’ve heard a lot about deciding to forgive even if you don’t feel like it, but not so much about deciding to believe. but it’s the same truth…we can decide to believe even when we don’t feel it. and that’s when stuff happens.
    you are one smart cookie.

  4. i love your heart. i love your words of choice. you inspire me. thank you friend.


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