Posted by: bandaidchild | November 2, 2010

Newness.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I suppose I go in seasons of feeling completely uninspired, and so I don’t like to force pseudo-inspiration on my brain and write a lame post, especially because I don’t have too many readers anymore.

The last several days, though, I’ve been itching to write. It seems my season has shifted, and with the bitter cold that is threatening to freeze us all, here I am, curled up with blankets listening to warm Christmas music, so ready to write.

I’ve often stated that I live my life primarily in my own head. I grew up in a house that, upon recollection, seemed pretty quiet. No oral processors in the Schneider family, except for my Father on occasion. This silence that precedes me sure makes me thankful that Jesus knows what I am thinking all the time. Sometimes I forget to take stock of things that are happening around me, things that I am learning, and things that Jesus is doing in my life, and I find that writing it out or verbalizing it in some fashion is helpful. The following will be assisting in taking stock of newness.

Since I last wrote, I was a 911 dispatcher. It was a fascinating job, but not one that highlighted nor complimented my skill set. I’m learning in therapy that “skill set” and “intelligence” are two different things. My tendency is to simply write my own self off; there is a sad comfort in labeling myself dumb and resigning to defeat. “I couldn’t hack it in the job…that’s just how the cookie crumbles,” I’ll say. But I am learning to be alright with understanding my weaknesses, or simply personality clashes. I can play three instruments with proficiency, which some people cannot do. Musical ability is not within their skill set. Multi-tasking and mechanized organization is not within my skill set.

Got it.

Now I have a job working with a handicapped guy. I’m his weekend care-taker, but it’s not a job I’d describe as “drab” in the least. It’s keeping me on my toes, and I am learning so much about physics, and being a servant.

This man is unable to do most things for himself. He relies on the people around him to be his hands and feet, and I cannot help but ask the Lord to show me through this job about trust.

When I pick him up, he has got to have 100% trust in my ability to know what I’m doing in order to get him from one place to another. He went from being a vibrant 21 year old, to a 22 year old guy who was unable to do anything for himself. I know I can learn a lot about what real trust is from him. At 32 years of age now, Hagen implicitly trusts, and I often wonder how much of it he has to fight on a daily basis because he remembers who he used to be, what he used to be able to accomplish, and the reality of what is now.

He trusts because he cannot live without others.

I can live without others. I can move my arm if I want. I can type out silly stories. I can take a shower, drive a car, eat food that’s horrible for me, smoke pot if I wanted (don’t worry…I’ve always passed on the grass). The necessity of his choices were thrust upon him, and I’d imagine some days for him are terrible. I’d bet it gnaws at him that he can’t wipe his own mouth.

But I want to live with faith and trust in God. Physically, I can live without Him. But why do I? My freedom is something I’ve been afforded, but it can be taken away- my buddy’s did. I want to learn implicit trust not because I “feel bad” for Hagen, but because he has learned something I haven’t, and I know my life will be richer because of it. I want to come to a place of humility where I realize, out of my arrogance, that I cannot live without trusting Jesus for my life. Period.

In Christ alone my hope is found…He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid sound, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love! What depths of peace! When fears are stilled, and when strivings cease. . . My comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ I stand.

There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting fourth in Glorious day, up from the Grave He rose again!! And as He stands in victory, sin’s curse has lost its grip on me….For I am His, and He is mine; bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me. From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. ‘Till He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

Here in the power of Christ, I will stand.

There is so much trust spewing out of this song. So much confidence in Christ. I know I will spend the rest of my life asking God to give me more trust in Him, in whichever way He sees fit, but I tell you this: Trusting Him is something that He has been pressing on my heart, and I will heed to it.

In whatever way He chooses to show me, I will hold on tight to His promises.

When you go through a tunnel on a train and everything goes dark, you don’t jump off; you sit back and you trust the conductor.

-Becca

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